With Every Mistake We Must Surely Be Learning

 

"With every mistake we must surely be learning"

I would say that I'm in a Beatles phase right now, but when am I ever not? But an extra intense one now. As I'm thinking about my future, my goals, my plans. As winter fully sets in and I seem to spend a bit more time inside my own head. Why not spend this time listening to the greatest band of all time? Why not remember the person I used to be who fell in love with this music in another transitional, pivotal moment in my life? Why not continue to ask why this era has always held such significance for me even though I wasn't born yet? Maybe I'm looking for answers in these songs, and maybe I am just appreciating brilliance. Maybe I am still interested in the link between pop culture and societal changes. After all, aren't we still asking the same questions as 60s counterculture? Is there an alternative to what we have been told to expect? Is there another way? How can we live in a way that takes better care of each other and of our planet? These are questions I think about all the time. 

Social media isn't really a place where people share their deeper thoughts anymore. It's not a place I expect people to read my Beatles and life opinions. It's not something I find myself drawn to much anymore. Does anyone log on to care what someone is thinking? Or just to get enraged? I'm done with public comments sections and misinformation.  I'm interested in connection. I severed a lot of ties to people in the past for self-protection. I keep my thoughts inside so that people won't see my sensitive nature, my tendency to feel everything so deeply, to hurt too much from throwaway comments from other people. I tried to harden my shell, to stop being a person who could be labelled "sensitive." And it didn't work. I'm still the same sensitive person who sometimes cries at the beauty of a song, the sadness of a moment, or the rudeness of someone's thoughtless words. And I'm not perfect. I can be mean and insensitive too. That shield of sarcasm I built up around myself isn't going anywhere yet. 

But I'm searching for something too. A link back to a part of myself that I never meant to cut off. The part that had a sense of purpose. I have been pretty aimlessly drifting for a while. Thinking it would come together one of these days. Forgetting the things I learned, the things I wanted to keep learning about. Getting closer to an idea, then running away in fear. Fear of failure. If I never try, it won't be over. I won't have to admit that I'm not smart enough, not special enough for all the things I wanted to be. It's easier to admit to not trying, to never taking off than it would be to crash. And I have already failed with the whole world looking on a few too many times. I already had the sense of exposure and shame of having your secrets revealed and being on display for everyone's judgement. And it felt horrible. I never dealt with the way all of those things felt. I only really started admitting that it even hurt within the past few years. 

So what does this have to do with the Beatles? Absolutely nothing, just a train of thought I went down while listening to a lot of George Harrison's songs on repeat and watching "Get Back." I was thinking about how I used to want to study popular culture and social change. About how that is still a real thing I could do. About how much more that fits for me than the customer service and health care jobs that I have had. About how 15 years later, this is still what I want to do. About how admitting it in print might mean I finally have to try. About how I am scared of trying. How I have tried to be so many different versions of myself and I keep coming back to this one. About how I tried to run away from myself and how that never works. How I tried to break the ties to my own history and just ended up on a ling road back to who I always was. 

So what now? Well for the immediate time being, nothing changes. I keep working, keep thinking about if I really mean it this time. I scope out opportunities, look into funding, and I either take the leap or I don't. Maybe I have learned something with every mistake. Maybe.