Is it alright for me to feel this way?

I always feel like an imposter if I say I'm a writer, but I aspire to feel like one. They say that if you write, you're a writer. But saying the words out loud seems different. Like I am stating an accomplishment with nothing to back it up. Like I'm an imposter, a fraud. And the thing is, I feel that way all the time. I understand that imposter syndrome is part of the oppressive capitalist framework where we turn ourselves into products for consumption, but I wonder if part of why I constantly feel terrified that people will find out I'm lying is because of how much time I have spent lying about a fundamental aspect of my identity.

I'm really bad at coming out. I initially got outed, and it was very painful. So I just generally decided not to tell people. It's nobody's business at work, or for acquaintances. I don't need to talk about it. I'm just a private person. The thing is, I'm full of shit. I'm a liar even to myself. Because none of that was true. I kept everyone at such a distance that they stop trying to break through. I tell everyone to leave me alone, and most of them do. I don't make friends because I am lying by omission. And when you don't tell anyone about something so big, you never really let your guard down, never really get to relax and fully be yourself. That doesn't mean everything I ever tell you is a lie, just that I never really open up. My guard is never down. I function on high alert, fight or flight, self-protection mode all the time. This might be why I am so exhausted and why my anxiety is so out of control. I have lived like this for most of my life. It's exhausting. 

After all this time, I don't even know how not to do this. I don't know how to let my guard down and be open. I don't know when it's unnecessary fear and anxiety versus when it's truly not safe. My brain screams "Run! Protect yourself!" even when there is no threat. It can get lonely and isolating. This is why it matters so much. Why some of us have to make such absolute statements. This is who I am, who I have always been. I envy the younger generation's attitude that sexuality and identity are flexible and evolving. That it's ok not to identify with any of them  for it to be fluid and changing. Although I'm sure that's a generalization. 

But here's the thing: sometimes it's not fluid and that's ok too. I'm a lesbian. It's who I have always been and who I will always be. I tried too damn hard to change myself when I was younger. I thought if I could just really like one boy, have a real straight crush, if I could make that happen, I could be normal. My life wouldn't hurt so much. If you knew me well between 2005-2008, you saw the consequences of that damage when it exploded outwards and imploded my sense of self. When I went on a self-destructive spiral. I stopped trying to be straight, but all that pain had nowhere to go. In some ways, getting outed felt like a failure. Like I tried so hard to fit, and I was the problem. I had failed, and everyone knew about it before I even got to say anything. I didn't want to fight anymore, so I gave up on myself for a while. I got through it, but the damage lingered (and still lingers). I'm really only recently starting to deal with it all and hopefully heal from some of it. I can't undo the past. I can't make that time hurt any less. 

So this is who I am. It matters to me that I tell the story myself this time. I'm a gay woman. I'm a writer, a photographer, a hiker, a climber. I'm all the things that I feel like a fraud saying that I am. I'm a person with deep psychological wounds that gave me tragically low self-esteem, but I am working on it. I don't want to shrink myself down for society's comfort. I want it to stop hurting so much to just exist. I want to feel like I can let people see me for who I am. I have crafted a million versions of my identity and I just put on the one that fits the situation when it arises. And that is exhausting. I feel like I don't know how to act like myself anymore. I'm trying to find my way back.