Dear Bouldering Bros, I Don't Need Your Help

Dear Bouldering Bros, 

I don't need your help. I'm a climber too. I recognize that I am not an advanced climber, but you claim this is such an inclusive sport, such a great community. Yet, people who don't look like you do not feel welcome. If any beginner (or less advanced) climber is shamed, you are not a welcoming community. Anyone "different" (not one of you cishet white able-bodied bros) is left wondering if you're excluding us for being new, or for being female, gay (and I have heard it's even harder for BIPOC and trans climbers but can't speak on behalf of anyone but myself). 

I have a character flaw of trying to be nice. So I tell myself "maybe they are just trying to be helpful." And that may be so, except the unsolicited advice is almost always directed to female climbers. Except that you didn't ask if I wanted help or advice. Except that I hear the condescending tones that I hear from cishet white dude bros in all of my outdoor ventures. It's hard enough to try something you're not good at without all that bullshit. Just let me climb. And another thing, you don't know me. You don't know my story. If we were actually friends, I would tell you that I am coming back from a serious ankle injury, that I have a bad shoulder and a petrifying fear of heights. So yeah, sometimes I hesitate on the wall, or I don't do the intended beta on purpose. I'm learning to work with what I have. But honestly, that shouldn't matter. Just do better. 

The thing is, it's not about that guy at the gym. It's never about the individual man in the individual moment. It's about systems of oppression. It's about how these little irritations that pile up are all part of this system of oppression that weighs down over every moment of every day. It's about the infantilization of grown-ass white women. I'm not a child. I'm not "hun" or "sweetie" to complete strangers (or to anyone). I'm not some little girl who needs to be rescued. And the times when we do need help (when faced with vaguely threatening men), these so-called saviors are nowhere to be found. It's the catcalls from construction workers, then man on the sidewalk who demands that I smile, the men who come in to my places of work and mansplain my own job to me. It's all the little things that remind us that this world is not for us. It's for them. We don't get to feel safe walking down the street. We don't get to just go to work do our jobs (for less money).  

It's patriarchy, misogyny, and toxic masculinity. It's white supremacy. It's that need to "conquer" everything, to own every space. To be the expert at everything even when you're not. Even when nobody asked. It's the things that so many of us internalized from society over so many years. That's what makes it so hard to speak up, to fight back, to say anything in the moment instead of feeling paralyzed (by fear, by rage, by shame), and just smiling politely and retreating. 

And that's as a white women. Throw on the queer layer, and it's another oppressive force reminding me that I'm not "normal." All the questions about boyfriends or husbands. When I was in my ankle boot, I have multiple men ask me daily why my "boyfriend" didn't rescue me from my bouldering fall. It's in the little things they all say that remind me I don't belong. And cishet white women participate in this portion as well. All the comments "I don't want a lesbian in the locker room" or "I like gay men but lesbians are humourless." Comments that ensure I know that I don't belong here. 

Again, I recognize that I am speaking from a massive amount of privilege. I am white, cis, able-bodied, educated. I am not the person to tell you what it's like for people of other identities than my own, but there is a lot of great work out there. For other outdoor industry people, I recommend checking out the following as just a few starting points by some far more eloquent and interesting people than me: 

https://www.melaninbasecamp.com/ 

https://www.inclusivelyoutdoors.com/ 

https://www.diversifyoutdoors.com/ 

So next time you are thinking of offering some unsolicited advice to female (or queer, or BIPOC, or really anyone) climber, ask yourself "would I say this to a white man?" "Does this person want my help?" Also, you can ask them. I'm not enraged when someone asks if I want beta. I have a problem with the assumption that I am less than. The world tries its best to make me feel that way. I don't need that from someone is what is allegedly such an awesome community. And while we're at it: demand all racist, homophobic, sexist, and otherwise oppressive route names be changed immediately. If you can't think of a replacement, maybe find out the traditional names. If your climbing gym is predominately white, ask yourself why. Do the real work, and let me climb in peace.