Let me (re)introduce myself

 

I am starting this blog because sometimes I want to scream. And I feel like I never bothered explaining how I feel sometimes. It's Pride Month, and rather than participate in rainbow capitalism, I want to tell some stories. Of growing up as a scared gay girl in the 90s/ early 2000s. Of all the times I knew, all the things that made it easier, and some of the things that made it harder. And maybe it doesn't matter to anyone other than me, but that is one of the great joys of the internet, and of adulthood. 

(Not) Fun Fact: I didn't really "come out" the way I wanted to. I got outed and it was not a good time in my life. I might post about that someday, but I also might not. That's not what I wanted to talk about today. I'm going back earlier than that.

Another (not) fun fact: everybody I meet assumes I am straight. It seems to be the long hair and possibly the fact that I have big hips. Seriously, nobody can quantify it beyond that. I wear an excessive amount of plaid, glasses, practical shoes, no makeup, and my go-to hair style is a ponytail. These are all lesbian stereotypes last time I checked. And yet everyone is stunned if they find out. Ironically, I spent all of middle school trying to change myself to avoid the gay rumours, so maybe this is just karma. But it's also weird.

I was 9 the first time I remember thinking "Oh shit, I'm gay." I feel like I was vaguely aware that I had zero interest in ending up with a man before that, but I never thought the words until I was a fan of Sailor Moon and learned that 2 of the guardians are in a relationship. Which was awkwardly changed to inappropriate cousins in the first English dub, but has since been corrected. But I was an obsessed little fangirl, so I read early internet translations of the plots that hadn't been dubbed yet (on our family computer with dial up! One of the first in our neighbourhood to have internet), and suddenly I understood myself. So yes, representation matters. And it is insanely helpful to have it in age-appropriate media when you are growing up. Because I always thought I must not truly be gay since I liked ballet along with playing in the woods. and the Sailor Neptune taught me that you could be on the more femme-ish side of things and it doesn't make you less valid. 

This was 1995. I did absolutely nothing with this new knowledge. I had already absorbed that this was not a thing I should be. So I did what I would do with so many things so many times to come. I pushed it down and said nothing. I figured I could handle it on my own. I had no intention of trying to change myself, I just decided that nobody else needed to know. I would just try to pursue a career, and keep my private life private. Don't ask, don't tell. I was scared, but there was this one little thing that made me feel less alone, less like a freak. 

This is not a story I usually ever tell people. I am a private person. But where is the line between privacy and fear? How much to I keep to myself because I am scared of being judged, or hated, or harmed? How much of that fear built walls even where I don't need them? Because the world did change. 10 years after I first had that thought, Canada would pass marriage equality nationwide. Today, I walk across a pride crosswalk every day on my way to work. And it was undeniably easier for me than for generations that came before. There were way more lights along the way.  And reasons to believe.

People like to ask "when did you know?" As if that matters. Maybe you always knew you were different. Maybe you didn't realize until you kissed a girl at a college party. Maybe you come out later in life. Maybe there is no moment where you know. Everybody's experience is different. 

A magical girl anime (with loads of flaws) gave me the first hint of what my life could be. Representation matters. Media portrayals matter. I recently watched the re-dub of the 90s Sailor Moon anime, and it made me feel old, but it made me happy. It reminded me of how I always had that one thing. I probably care too much about pop culture. I take things personally that have nothing to do with me. But it meant something to me. I also watched the new movie and it reminded me of how much this mattered to me.